Superman Returns: But Why?

Superman Returns

There's an inherent problem with trying to tell any story involving a character impervious to, well, everything. In Superman, the comics have invented a man who can literally do anything. He's turned back time, his kiss can cause amnesia, he can fly - even into space where us normal humans can't even breathe. His breath can freeze explosions, his eyes see through walls and cause falling debris to vaporize, and he's stronger than anyone else by a long shot. So when you're going to write a script for a $200million-plus film based on such a character, you need to figure out first where the drama can happen.

Unfortunately, the latest movie version of Superman's adventures, "Superman Returns," fails to elicit much in the way of care or hope. The writers have inserted this film into the old Christopher Reeve versions so that it falls just after "Superman 2" so that we can all ignore the one where Richard Prior is a computer genius and the other one no one even saw anyway. The basic premise is that Superman left Earth for 5 years after astronomers located the remnants of his dead home world, Krypton, so he flew away without so much as a goodbye to see if there are any other Super people out there.

Short answer: There aren't. So what this should set up in any other non-fantasy film is a character alone and lonely in a world where he has to hide who he is under the guise of a nebbishy dork no one even gives the time of day. If he's successful in his disguise, he gets to live his life in the sort of dull, meaningless existence the rest of us get to face, too, only he can occasionally don blue tights and red underwear and rubber booties and fly through the sky without wings.

The movie is long, too. Which wouldn't be bad if there was some magic present into which we could sink for that period and believe and care and want there to be a world where Superman might just visit us in our moment of peril, but what we get is a Superman that seems to have no strong feelings about anything but duty, and a Clark Kent so useless and awkward that we wonder why he ever got a job at a newspaper when he never seems to actually write any stories.

But logic is not this film's strong point, nor should it be. But there are so many illogical plot points inserted to allow the story to move forward that long before Supermen lifts a mountain out of the water we've lost interest in every character involved.

Brandon Routh does his utmost to inhabit the famous blue suit, but he's most effective playing the nebbish. He's certainly dreamy enough, and maybe that's all you need -- to fill the suit with muscles and wear the blue contact lenses without blinking. Voila, Superman. Christpher Reeve somehow brought a vulnerability to the role of an invulnerable man, where Routh's performance seems based entirely on teeth and hair. He's somehow empty of any feelings, particularly as the man of steel. So if he's physically unstoppable and also emotionally vacant, why should we care about him? When will he be in any situation we can identify with?

Kate Bosworth's Lois Lane is equally empty, but the script doesn't provide her much to use, either. She gets to blow her kid's nose, hug her long-suffering fiance and argue with Perry White. There. Done. The jilted lover (who shouldn't actually remember having sacked the man of steel) walks through the entire movie feeling sorry for herself. Awwww.

Supporting characters are there only for the purpose of inhabiting roles described in the comics, but are otherwise superfluous. Perry White? Boring. Where's the bluster? Put him and Spiderman's Jonah Jameson in the same room and Perry would become invisible. Jimmy Olsen is there for comic relief, but that's mostly due to looks and gawking stares and awkward silences. Again, the script fails to bring any character to a character.

And what of Lex Luthor, that bald baddy that Gene Hackman imbued with style, flare, humor and substance? What we get is Kevin Spacey slowly simmering on medium heat trying to be "evil villain number three." Again, it's a one-dimensional character in a one-dimensional screenplay that even an actor of his calibur and proven skills can't budge out of neutral.

It's also kind of a mess to look at. The production designer nust have been given an unlimited budget because every surface of every scene is encrusted with gobs of stuff. The Daily Planet is so crowded with flat screens and piles of paper and meandering bodies that it's a wonder anything gets done at all. It's chaotic and hard to watch and jittery to the extreme. Same goes for Luthor's mansion or Lois's country estate or the black crystal candy mountain from which all evil things grow.

I watched Superman Returns at an IMAX theater, and portions of the film suddenly switch to 3-D in an effort, one supposes, to heighten the tension and drama of the special effects laden adventure scenes. It kind of works, but I wondered during the switches why they chose to skip some sequences (the entire Metropolis in peril pieces) and then cut into 3-D at other times (Superman saves Lois and family from drowning). It seemed semi-arbitrary and awkward. The gimmick was only a gimick, and what did it add that was useful?

In the end, I was bored. And isn't the the worst thing one could feel in a Superman film? There should be some emotion running through me, elation or anger or happiness or frustration, but I actually felt nothing at all.

Other than the pain in my ass from sitting on it for over two-and-a-half hours.

Three out of five stars, because it still wasn't as bad as Superman 4: The Quest for Peace.